Chaos
by Yuta
Summary: Little thing that I...actually managed to finish. Wow. Xellos left Zelgadiss. Now both of them face the fact they have submitted to eachother,.will they?
1. Blood

Chaos I: Blood.  
  
Zelgadiss stared at his hands. Beautiful hands, really. He loved them. They were delicate-looking, from a pale blue, fine and long fingered. He liked his hands.  
  
His thoughts trailed off again. What had he been thinking of?  
  
Mental pools, he had a tendency to forget what had he been thinking about. It was down already. Zelgadiss stared at the sun. Hated it. Hated down, preferred darkness. In darkness you could hide, breathe calmly, he could forget what he was chasing, what he was expecting.  
  
Dawn came.  
  
He hated it, days passed and he felt alone. He felt sad and useless. None understood him. He didn't understand himself.  
  
Hid dagger was beautiful, it gleamed beautifully in the dawn and it made a nice contrast against his blue skin. He didn't like his body. His figure yes, he liked that, but he hated the rest. Depression was too heavy to bear . The dagger fall to the floor, forgotten by the moment.  
  
The room was messy. He should clean it. But what would be the sense in doing so? No one would come.  
  
He stood still in the center of the room.  
  
Grandfather used to come. He had given him the dagger, had given him his body and his beautiful hands, he had gave him something to feel.  
  
Rezo was dead.  
  
It was a pity.  
  
He walked threw the dusty corridors to the room of his grandfather. He felt alone, hated the day and it's light.  
  
What a disaster.  
  
Everything was different of what he wanted, and he always wanted more. Always thirsty of it, drowning in his own self-pity.  
  
He hated himself.  
  
What had he been thinking of? He didn't remembered. Something to do with someone arriving.  
  
Xellos?  
  
Yes, it was that. Xellos was coming here, he had to ...  
  
Zelgadiss stopped in front of his room, the doorknob in his hands, the form so still he one could think it was a statue.  
  
Xellos had left.  
  
Xellos had left him because he couldn't stand the way he was. The way his chaotic thoughts had changed, because his own self-insufficiency.  
  
Zelgadiss gaze was on his hands again.  
  
They were hideous, designed to hurt. Made of a soft blue and he loved them.  
  
He dropped the doorknob like if it was burning.  
  
Zelgadiss thoughts took the better of him again. When he regained control he was in the hot water of the bath. He thought that he should clean because everything was destroyed, or Rezo would get mad at him.  
  
But Xellos had left, so he didn't care what his grandfather had to say. He could yell at him, or even beat him...  
  
But he couldn't because Rezo was dead.  
  
He had loved Xellos too much, and the Mazoku couldn't handle it.  
  
He stared at his reflection in the mirror, water running its way threw the slim line of his body. Many people had liked his body, it was a beautiful body indeed, nothing to do with one he had left behind. He stared at his hands, liked them, took the dagger and liked its silvery form even more. Also designed to hut, but in a more pure way.  
  
He started to make tiny slices in his fingertips.  
  
Blood was beautiful Shone even brighter in the sunlight than in night.  
  
So bright it hurt. Hurt like the sun. Hurt like love.  
  
Zelgadiss loved his blood, was hungry of it, many had been hungry of it. He sucked at one finger feeling the metallic flavor. Nothing to do with Mazoku blood. His blood had been cold and harsh, it tasted like ice and glass, it tasted soft, his own blood never was like that, it was hot, wonderfully hot and metallic.  
  
A tiny smile appeared in his lips, darkness took him again.  
  
What had he been thinking? He didn't remembered, really didn't cared about it. It was a later than midday, the sun strangely hot against his skin.  
  
He hated sun, hated those purple eyes staring at him.  
  
"Zelgadiss. " said the Mazoku. Zelgadiss blinked, staring at him. "Why are you here, Zelgadiss?" Zelgadiss cocked his head.  
  
Why was he in Rezo's mansion? It was all messy, he should have fixed it a bit, after the whole incident with Shabranigudu's reborn none had come, only a small part of it was still integrate.  
  
Zelgadiss was in the tower, now without a roof, and letting the sun dance over his skin. He felt too tired to move, felt like if he had been beaten very badly.  
  
"I wanted to come." Was the simple answer. "Why?" Asked the demon.  
  
Zelgadiss stared at the sun. Hated it. "Where else could I go? There is no where for me. Anywhere."  
  
He felt alone.  
  
"You could have go with Lina." "Lina hates me. Never forgave me for preferring you." Zelgadiss rested on his side, the sun hurt. Hated it. He was alone.  
  
Dry blood over his fingers.  
  
That was sad. He couldn't clear his mind. "Why are you alone, Zel?" Asked the demon. Zelgadiss eyes turned towards him.  
  
"You hate me, don't you?" asked Xellos.  
  
Zelgadiss shook his head. He lifted up, wrapped his arms around his knees and stared at the floor.  
  
"You should, it would be better for you."  
  
Zelgadiss nodded, silence in the hot day. 


	2. Tears

Chaos II: Tears  
  
  
  
Xellos stared at him, felt tears fall from his eyes.  
  
He didn't know why did he keep living. Only to receive a deception after another? To see how the reality broke apart in pieces and disappeared?  
  
His reality was in the middle of being destroyed, now a bunch of thoughts that belonged to those selfish beings called humans. The human selfishness didn't knew limits, it was an emotion stronger than love or hate. That aberrant need to own and be owned.  
  
Pathetic creatures, really.  
  
The Mazoku trailed the form of the chimera, nothing had changed except, maybe, his feelings.  
  
Everything in Zelgadiss was heavier. A lot heavier, it was like if to be capable of read his feeling he had to pass for a cloud of smoke.  
  
Xellos had been pathetic, and now he was paying.  
  
Discarded dreams, without a chance of reaching them in this life or any of the others. He had believed he could, that he could be like them, with dreams, hopes and feelings and then forget all of them.  
  
That had been his failure.  
  
This creature staring at the blood in his hands was the cause and reason of his failure.  
  
Xellos had suffered. Hadn't enjoyed it, had paid with blood and tears, and had discovered that it wasn't enough, not for the Beastmaster Xellos Metallium. That being hated that chaotic creature that had proved him to be weak. The one that had bought a meaning to the word pain.  
  
He had bought silence too. Those hollow moments where he realized that he was truly alone and that he would always be, that he had no real reason for living more than serve his mistress, and he too was dispensable.  
  
And then what? What would he do then? What could he do?  
  
His soul didn't existed, and if it did, he hated it. He had understood his own blindness. Human beings tended to think in themselves as the only ones with feelings and emotions.  
  
Xellos despised them.  
  
Pain pleased the ones of his race, they searched for pain to feed of it. But the chimera's pain didn't feed, it was sour and hard, it was like seawater.  
  
Xellos was selfishness in its most pure state.  
  
Xellos was like that, like a human being, with weakness and failures. Always searching for something and receiving something else in return, believing something and finding out that it is nor real, just a lie, lies told to himself to abode the cruel reality, believing to own something and realizing is just the fear to loneliness.  
  
That disgusting need of understanding  
  
The pain you receive for the lack of it.  
  
Were he and the chimera worth of understanding?  
  
Was he, the one without heart or soul, without cares or feelings, the one that tried to forget the horrors of the past, the pain already suffered, the scars no one noticed the sacrifices made and unnoticed, unappreciated?  
  
Self-pity. The most powerful of the mental drugs tat humans had created. He was addicted to it lately.  
  
Submission.  
  
Betrayal swallowed by complacency. To wait for the knowledge that he was doing the right think. The knowledge that it wasn't. Selfishness, pride, rage, self-destruction, self-pity. Destruction.  
  
When had it been the last time that he actually knew what he wanted? Exactly what he needed, what would be worth of anything?  
  
There was Zelgadiss.  
  
A lonely soul like his. A beautiful body. Companionship. Friendship. Love. Weakness. Pain. Human being is stupid.  
  
Its conception of happiness is based in how much suffering you have to pass tough to fin your goal. The more you suffer, the more is the happiness you win. Xellos had felt right. Had felt nice, cared for. He had been loved. Zelgadiss didn't say those words, but all the signs where in those blue eyes. That had been the first thing that he noticed. Their relationship had changed. From a confortable boundless relationship he had ended wanting to be with him. To do things for him. Anything to see him smile.  
  
He knew then too, that he loved him, and worst, that he needed him. Just as he was needed.  
  
Before he had been savage. Didn't care about his acts or consequences of them. The Beastmaster Xellos had refused to admit that.  
  
Xellos wasn't crying yet. At least not like the last time, when he had found himself alone. This was something different. He knew what it was. It was something slow and invisible, that didn't leave him a chance of escaping.. since that night he had decided to prove himself he could handle everything, that he was till the same and that nothing had changed.  
  
"Is that all?" asked the youth.  
  
That's all.  
  
Maybe it's truth. Maybe it was the last breath before accepting he was doomed. 


	3. Words

Chaos III: Words.  
  
Xellos stared at the youth.  
  
He wondered if it was worth to suffer all that for him. Staring at Zel, dressed in a gray simple pullover and black pants, the change of clothes evidencing a passing or permanent lack of self- recognition, his lavender hair a bit longer, a couple of still wet strands framing his face gently, empty eyes staring at the quiet sunset and the passive apathy of those ones that that have an army of screaming voices inside them.  
  
Was it worth to explain him something? Would there be any difference if he did?  
  
Furious toughs: He is nothing to me, I don't care about him, He is an idiot if he thinks that I can't dismiss him one of these days...  
  
He had left. Not because he was tired of him, but because he feared him, because he tough he could simply turn back and forget.  
  
He sat beside the chimera, staring at the sunset.  
  
The Beastmaster hated the chimera, because he needed him. He was more afraid of loneliness than the other creature, but the chimera was the one that didn't complained. That had hurt him. He had accepted the things, because there wasn't anything else to do. Zelgadiss had destroyed all his victories and with them all the futures he had planned, less one he refused to accept. Xellos had allowed the chimera to do so without realizing it. When he did it had been too late.  
  
"Why?" asked the Beastmaster "Why it had to be us? Why were we supposed to pass threw this in this world and this life?" He had pronounced those words at the same time he tough them, more perplexed than furious, and Zelgadiss nothing said.  
  
Why had he taken the decision of leave? Why? The Greater Beast wasn't unsatisfied with him for have taken a lover. Not sat all. She didn't even cared. As long as his obedience lay at her feet she didn't cared of what he did.  
  
Xellos had abandoned him, not exactly because he had been convinced he was doing the best thing for the youth. In that moment he had actually believed he was thinking more clearly and thought that he still had time to leave without being affected, or at least keeping unaffected what was left of that mechanical being he had been before. Xellos Metallium didn't spend time questioning his mistress objectives, wondering why had he chosen a decision, analyzing his failures. But that wasn't important now. Or at least not yet.  
  
"Do you know what was I thinking?" asked Xellos. When he noticed the barest of interest in the chimera's eyes, he continued. "I was thinking that there are only two kinds of persons: the ones that hate you and the ones that love you. No, no, those are from the same class. Actually there only are the ones that kill you, make you suffer and drive you crazy, and the ones you don't give a shit about."  
  
"I won't go with Amelia." Said the chimera softly.  
  
Xellos continued like if he hadn't heard him. "But then, the ones you don't care about end up without being noticed by you, right? They are there, even in front of your eyes but it's like you never actually saw them. And the other ones... Well, with the other ones you never know if you love them or hate them."  
  
"And where am I supposed to be placed in that interesting theory, Xellos?" asked Zelgadiss. The tone as blank as his eyes. "I don't know. I wasn't speaking about you, or that's what I believe." "You know what?" asked the youth suddenly, violence in his voice "Those aren't the two kinds of persons. At least not for people like you. There are only the ones you fear and the ones you despise." And he smiled oddly. "Do you realize that now? Answer me."  
  
Without say a single word Xellos kissed him, bit his lips, kissed him again, feeling that the youth's mouth was even dryer than his and finally letting him go with a frustrated sigh.  
  
That same smile in Zelgadiss lips. It was cold, artificial, terrifying detached and private. Xellos realized he was afraid of him.  
  
Xellos attacked with teeth and tongue his elven ears and neck, but when he tried to pull off his clothes Zel dig his sharp nails in Xellos neck.  
  
"You didn't answered."  
  
An order this time. Xellos was scared. This was what had made him run away. The dominance his lover could have over him. It wasn't that it bought pain, or that he had to obey him. It was...  
  
"There still are two kinds of persons, chimera." He smiled what he guessed was the same disgusting sensuous cold smile of the youth. "Really? Which ones?" "The rest and Zelgadiss" hissed Xellos. "The bastard of Zelgadiss that makes me weak. The one that makes what I want."  
  
And he rested all his weight over the youth's body, until he was lying in the dusty floor.  
  
"You still think is like that?" asked Zel softly, his too thin wrist firmly grasped in Xellos hands although he wasn't making any movement of protest. "You are the problem."  
  
Xellos sighed and rested his head in the chimera's chest, releasing his grip. The youth didn't moved.  
  
"You are lost, right? You look calm, but the truth is that you are panicking." "That's why you came here." "Yes, that's why. Some time ago... yesterday I guess, I didn't knew what was I thinking. I'm lost. I can't remember what I think. I believe I don't want to."  
  
Silence.  
  
"When it happened, I couldn't believe it. Because what happened to us wasn't normal, shit, it wasn't even supposed to happen! " "..." "I preferred to think that it would soon come to be something I could look behind and say, "I lost my time with that?" But I don't think that will happen. I expected it to become boring and useless. " "And if it doesn't happen, what then, Xellos? What if it doesn't turn into something that dramatic and cruel? Why not? " "I can't resists it. It scares me." "Of course it does. Dawn scares. Means new beginning. Means face your wounds, your pain and your insufficiency"  
  
Silence. A heartbeat.  
  
"Once you asked me how did all this managed to happen." "I did." "Now I ask you: How did I allow it to happen?" "You never answered me." "You are not answering now."  
  
Another heartbeat.  
  
"Acceptance." "..." "I used to seek acceptance. But I didn't allow it for myself. Grandfather always accepted me " a cold laugh. "Of course he had to accept me. He made me." "We seek acceptance?" "We always do. But we don't accept it. Acceptance means submit, submit to what we have to change. Submission in its purest state. Submission brings within the need to oppose to the submission."  
  
"Selfishness in its purest state." "We want it and deny it just the same."  
  
Silence.  
  
"I've just answered you question, Xellos, and you know what? I think I can answer the one I did time ago too."  
  
Silence.  
  
"Do you want to hear it?"  
  
Xellos closed his eyes, breathing the missed scent of his lover and shook his head. 


End file.
